Thursday, 26 March 2009

  • Has it really been this long?

    I guess it has.  It's funny how you get in to a "normal" routine and forget about things like updating folks and writing down feelings.  A lot to catch up on...so let's get started.

    *I had my "1 Year Anniversary" of getting diagnosed earlier this month.  March 7.  It's been a strange year.  Talk about a roller coaster.  Diagnosed, surgeries, chemo, radiation, remission.  Up and down emotionally.  Spiritually it has been pretty stellar though.  God has really taught me some cool things.  If only I wouldn't forget them....

    *Abigail made an AAU (all star) basketball team.  She's pretty small and still timid.  I hope she grows a few inches before next year and gets some meanness.  But watching both of the kids play has been really cool.

    *Brandt is, well, huge.  He's the same size as Abigail now.  And he's still all boy.  He gets in trouble at school and home because he's figgity, talkative, and a clown.  But man is he fun!

    *Lent- I'm doing Lent this year with Mars Hill.  Fasting Facebook (may never go back) and arguing (especially politics and online blog arguments).  Mars has been going through Lamentations and below are just a few things I have gleened through the process:

    1. Lamentations is a brutal book.  I mean, it's a lament.  And there is no good part in the story.  It's an honest plea of a people who are hurting.
    2. God doesn't come in and save the day.  This book would be a crappy movie.  But it's honest.  And real.  And life.  Because all too often life really sucks and it's the way it is baby.  No new job.  No relationship fixed.  No healing or miracle.  No made shot at the end of a season.  Just raw and real.
    3. God doesn't come in and save the day...but he does say, "Do not fear."  I was astonished that God didn't say, "Don't fear because ________________."  He doesn't say why not to fear.  He just says, "DON'T."  He also doesn't say "Don't be upset.  Don't be in pain."  All that's legit.  And it's all human.  But in the midst of the pain and hurt, we can trust and have hope.

    *This leads to the last thing on the update.  About a week ago I had some more vision problems.  And they were the same as I had last year right before I was diagnosed with Hodgkins.  They moved my 6 month PET up 3 weeks and I had that Tuesday.  Today I got the results and they were normal.  So I'm stil in remission.

    Between last Wednesday and yesterday, though, I did have fear.  I feared dying.  Not because I'm afraid of death.  I truly believe that death is gain and I'd be with Jesus.  But because I'm selfish.  Here's what I mean....

    I love my family.  I like my hobbies.  I love this world and enjoy it.  All this is the problem, you see.  I love them more (sometimes) than I love Jesus.  I cried a lot at church on Sunday and Joey asked me what I was afraid of.  As we talked and thought, I realized my fear is not seeing my family grow up.  Not growing old with Rachel.  Not seeing the kids graduate, get married, dominate in a sport, have their own kids.  I love them.  And Jesus tells me I need to "hate my family".  I never understood that until this week.  I don't have to hate them.  But I do have to love Jesus more.  And to be honest, I love them more a lot of times.

    So I'm afraid because I'm selfishly wanting to be here.  I don't yearn for death.  I don't grasp for Jesus....because I am holding on to my family.  To my life.  The grave holds nothing over me...except the temporary leaving until heaven.  But what if we don't know each other?  Or if I die and one of them doesn't follow Jesus?  Or they get mad at God like I did when my papaw died and turn to all sorts of stupidity?

    So my challenge to myself over the next few weeks is to figure out how to love Jesus more.  I've been reading and praying over Lent.  But I need to get more focused.  I need to reclaim some truths I found last year.  Rachel sent me a note that had some verses from various posts from last year.  I will end with these.  May you and I claim these truths in our lives and have no fear...

    But I trust in you, O LORD;
           I say, "You are my God."
     My times are in your hands;
           deliver me from my enemies
           and from those who pursue me.

     Let your face shine on your servant;
           save me in your unfailing love.
    Psalm 31:14-16
     
    May his name endure forever; may it continue as long as the sun.  All nations will be blessed through him, and they will call him blessed.  Praise be to the LORD God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds.  Praise be to his glorious name forever; may the whole earth be filled with his glory. Amen and Amen.  Psalm 72:17-19
     
    Romans 15:13
    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 
     
    Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:4-5

    Shalom~ Troy

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